Trying to get back on track

Why is ok that we say horrible things about ourselves, but we complain when other people have a nasty comment of the same degree?  I've been beating myself up since Thanksgiving over the weight I gained and the amount of food I consumed.  Reading how my bloggy friends survived the holiday with portion control and even weight loss makes me feel like a failure.  I could have done better! 

I've been trying my best to stay on track with my food intake.  With Thanksgiving leftovers staring me in the face it was hard not to binge.  I finally threw out the extra desserts we took home.  Say good bye to the homemade cheesecake, the chocolate pecan pie, and the pudding with fudge cookies.  The kids were heart broken, but they don't need it either. 

Finally I feel like I have control of what I put in my mouth.  Now, it's time to work on the motivation to move this big ass of mine.  I don't use Spark People, but they had free videos on Youtube that were excellent!  Because really, who wants to spend $20 on a DVD that they are going to use 2 times?  I got in 20 minutes of resistance training and 15 minutes on my yoga ball; tomorrow will be cardio.  It's amazing how good I feel right now. 

Thanksgiving is in the past.  Today I'm choosing to look forward instead of dwelling on what I did 5 days ago.  I can't accomplish anything by beating myself up.  Think positive! I can do this!  (pep talk to myself)

Christmas pictures

It's that time of year for Christmas pictures.  Oh how I dread thee!  We decided to take pictures outside with our personal camera instead of going to a stuffy and overbooked studio, paying $300 for only 10 portraits, and dealing with stupid photographers who just want to get you in and out. 

When the kiddos were younger I always imagined that picture taking would get easier.  At this age you can tell them to sit where you want, point the camera, say cheese, and capture a cheeky smile.  What's so hard about that?  Well, obviously it isn't that easy for 3 little boys.   We screamed a lot to get away from the water, but I love how we were surrounded by nature and able to use natural lighting.



So, I subject you to our family pictures. 

 The boys that have my heart!

They get along (sometimes). 

I'm alittle biased....this is my favorite picture!

One group shot (of many) that will not make the Christmas card.

Yup, we got it going on.

And this is how we felt at the end of the day!

Hot 100 Update Week 9

No excuses, I failed in all of my goals this week.  I gained 1.2 pounds, I did not read at all this week to the kiddos, and I did not exercise one second.  I'm going to get back on the horse and get back into the swing of things.  I don't want to gain another pound back! 

I guess I'm paying for yesterday, as I have lived in the bathroom for most of the day.  Back to bed I go!

Do the Turkey Boogie

To get you in the Thanksgiving spirit, I give you my oldest doing the "turkey boogie".

Can you point him out? Why, yes! He is the one white boy on the top going the total opposite way with no rhythm. 

Testing one two three

With Thanksgiving around the corner I've been taking my favorite recipes and experimenting with low/no fat ingredients.  With my anxiety about all the food, I wanted to try my hardest to make it alittle less stressful.  My favorite dish is called 7-up Salad. 

Ok, it looks like baby vomit but I swear it is the best stuff around!  Growin up, my Mom would make her 7-up Salad for Thanksgiving and Christmas only and as an adult I never really understood why it was a holiday only thing.  Every year my brother and I look forward to this one dish more than the turkey or ham. 
It's the one requirement we have (along with deviled eggs) to make each holiday a success. 

The recipe is very easy - lime jello, a can of 7-up, pineapple, and cream cheese (pecans are optional but I'm not a nut type of person).  I made everything with sugar free or no fat ingredients with a hope and a prayer it would come out edible.  Let's be honest, it wasn't as good as the real stuff.  Now I'm frustrated and craving some REAL 7-up Salad with all it's sugar and fattening ingredients.  I'm doomed.

Big Pajamas and Shopping

Last night, hubby and I had a much needed date night.  No kiddos, adult conversations, steak dinner, and the Harry Potter movie.....it was heaven.  We got home in the wee hours of the morning and all I wanted to do was to climb into bed and get some much need beauty rest.  Probably not what he wanted to do, but we won't go there.  As I was going through my pajamas, I noticed a pair at the very bottom that haven't been worn in forever.  The last time I tried to wear them the top was too short and would show my very pronounced belly.  Not something you want to parade around in with 3 little kids who like to call you fat.  As I'm putting on the pants they are falling off and the shirt is swimming on me (my belly was completely covered).  I wore them anyways just because.  It's a nice change to have something baggy and not worry about it not fitting.

This morning as we are milling around the kitchen looking for breakfast, hubby comes up behind me to pull at my pants.  He says, "Oh shit, those things are huge on you.  I think it's time for some new clothes."  I've been thinking the same thing, but I've been hesitant.  I can't afford a new wardrobe everytime I lose 20 pounds.  I've tried getting things second hand or at Goodwill, but it's few and far between finding used big girl clothes.  Then what do you do with the really big clothes in the closet?  I'm freaking scared of throwing all of it away and then gaining weight back.  Sure, I tell myself that I will never be this big again but in the back of my mind I don't trust myself. 

Hot 100 Update Week #8

It's been an extremely busy week and I've been on an emotional roller coaster.  I've been running around non-stop, cleaning whatever I can get my hands on, and Christmas shopping thrown in for some fun.  Thanksgiving is stressing me out big time and I'm finding it hard to just let it go. 

Goal 1: Lose 20 pounds - My weigh in this morning showed 313.6 pounds which is a total of 3 pounds this week and 21.8 pounds lost in 10 weeks.  It's been 8 years since I've been under 315 pounds and I'm ecstatic.  If I keep up my average weight loss for the next 6 weeks, then I will be 300 pounds for the coming year.  How awesome would that be?

Goal 2:  Read more to the kiddos - It seems as though Christmas books are the favorite right now.  We have read everyday this week.  They are really enjoying the time we spend doing this.  I'm so glad that I made this a goal for myself.

Goal 3:  Exercise for at least 20 minutes for 4 days - So, I didn't exercise the conventional way this week.  For the past 5 days I have spent 2 hours per day cleaning our garage.  When I started on Monday there wasn't even a path to walk into the garage.  10 hours and 12 trash bags later, we have a semi cleaned garage!  Things are organized, tools are put in tool boxes, the dust is swept, and I can finally get into the deep freezer.  I call that success!  If the hubby trashes it up (as he normally does) then my mug shot will be plastered all over the nightly news for murder. 

Today is my niece's 4th birthday!  Happy Birthday Lorelai, I love you so much!

Pity Party

I don't know what it is this week, but I'm in a funk.  Do you ever feel like you just want to be a "normal" person and not have worry about what you put in your mouth?  Do you ever feel that it's not fair that you have a weight issue?  I've been stressing over labels, fat grams, calories, water intake, weight watchers points, clothes, food at restaurants, cooking dinner for the family, blah blah blah.  I'm in overload and I just don't want to deal with it. 

Yesterday my cousin (you know the size 2 cousin) and I went to Chili's where she ordered fried mozzarella sticks.  She didn't force me to eat them, but kept making comments on how a couple wouldn't hurt.  Finally I just gave in and after the first one I said screw it and had 2 more.  Stupid stupid me.  Sure, her size 2 self doesn't have to worry about fried gooey cheese, but my fat ass has to stress about everything that goes in my pie hole.  I beat myself up for hours after lunch, and even today I feel horrible. 

Thanksgiving is around the corner and I want to simply enjoy it.  I don't want to have to worry about a diet.  I don't want to have to exercise for 50 hours in order to eat some turkey and dressing.  Instead of looking forward to spending time with my family, I'm dreading being around all of the food. 

I just don't want to have to worry and stress about food.  Plain and simple.  The scary thought is will I have to worry about food for the remainder of my life?  Probably.  Will every Thanksgiving (and birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc) bring on these feelings?  Probably.  Will every fried mozzarella stick that touches my mouth bring on emotions of being a loser?  Probably.  That sucks! 

Proof that I run

Here is proof that I can run without someone chasing me from behind with a gun.  I almost beat the oldest down the hill, but it's cause he stood at the top for 5 minutes screaming "It's not fair, you cheated."

Hot 100 Update #7

I've had a kick ass week and for the most part it's because I chose to make it that way!  I got out of bed every morning thinking that it was going to be an amazing day.  Sure, I mostly sat at home and did laundry but I still chose to have a good attitude about it.  But with everything in life you can't have a good without a bad.  Call it the glass half-empty syndrome or whatever pessimistic acronym you choose. 

The Good:  Yesterday my mother-in-law and I went shopping (which was an experience in itself).  I found a really cute shirt that I couldn't pass up, so I picked up my 26/28 big girl size and went to the register.  A little known fact is that I hate trying on clothes.  The mirrors, the lights, the disappointment....I'll pass.  With some coaxing from my mother-in-law I decided to try it on.  The shirt looked like a freakin' tent!  I got the next size smaller (22/24) and it fit.  IT FIT WITH EVEN SOME BREATHING ROOM!  As with every accomplishment I have, the booty shaking began with some whoops and hollars. 

The Bad:  I think I have a stress fracture in my foot.  It really has limited my exercise this week.  I've still been using the bands and my yoga ball, but I never feel that is enough.  I enjoyed walking the dog around the neighborhood and that fat hefer needs the exercise too. 

______________________________________________________

Goal #1 Lose 20 pounds - Weigh in was today and showed 316.6 pounds.  Total lost 18.8 pounds in 9 weeks.  I've also reached my 5% weight loss goal.  Continue booty shaking!

Goal #2 Read more to the kiddos - I read everyday except Monday, but we doubled up on Tuesday night.  So it all evens out, right?  I still claim success.

Goal #3 Exercise for at least 20 minutes 4 times a day - I completed 5 days but I'm not sure if I did 20 minutes everyday.  This foot thing is really bothering me, but I'm trying to the best of my ability.  And that's all I can do. 

I hope you are all booty shaking with your goals this week!

I'm drowning

When I started this crazy thing called weight loss I decided to cut back on soda and sweet tea.  I'll admit that I went through withdrawls and craved that sugary goodness.  I found myself sitting my closet, swaying back and forth, and chanting while I detoxed from the caffiene and sugar.  Not really to that extreme but it was hard.  I mean sweet tea in Texas is just a given!  8 weeks later I can proudly say that I have not given in to the temptation. 

I've been trying hard to step up my water intake, but have found it very difficult to get in the recommended 64 ounces per day.  Changing this might help me with snacking throughout the day and, in the end, show better numbers on the scale.  Honestly, on a normal day I only drink 2-3 glasses of water (I've never been a heavy drinker of anything); simply put I just don't drink enough.  Not only have I had to adjust drinking water, but the amount I drink.  The more water I drink the more I feel like a drowned rat.  Such a vicious cycle. 

Do any of you bloggy buddies have any ideas on how to drink more water throughout the day?

The proof is in the picture

Saturday night the hubby and I went to a bbq at a friends house.  We ate Jason's Deli before going so that I wouldn't stuff my face with hamburgers, hotdogs, chips, dip, potato salad, all that yummy bbq deliciousness.  Also, I decided before we left that I wouldn't drink any alcohol.  My main goal was to stay accountable during the night.  I allowed myself to "snack", but to keep it within moderation.

When we arrived, everyone commented on my weight loss and how committed I seemed.  They asked how I was losing, what was I doing, how did I feel, etc.  Honestly, the comments made me uncomfortable.  I don't see the weight loss.  How much of a difference can 16 pounds really make? 

My best friend (who is also on this crazy weight loss journey) was there; I swear she has a camera glued to her hand on a 24 hour basis.  She took several pictures during the night.  As I scrolled through them this morning I was amazed and flabbergasted.  For the first time in 8 weeks I see the difference. 

 Me and Holly back in February 2010

Me and Holly November 2010

Hot 100 Update Week 6

It's Friday ya'll!  I've been obsessive over the scale this week.  I jump on with clothes, without clothes, in the morning, at lunch, at night, before a poop, after a poop, with water, without water, you get the idea.  After today's weigh in I have chosen to hide the scale.  If it isn't easily accessible then it won't be such a temptation to jump on every 5 minutes.  In the end, maybe I won't beat myself up over it 20 times during the day!

Goal #1 Lose 20 pounds - I weighed in at 319.2 this morning which is a big whopping loss of one pound this week.  I'm pissed!  Sure a loss is a loss is a loss, but I worked my big ole butt off all week for one freakin' pound? 

Goal #2 Read more to the kiddos - We read everyday this week!  I have to admit that there were a couple of days that I really wasn't in the mood, but those two little boogers bugged the shit out of me until I gave in.  Gotta love them.

Goal #3 Exercise for at least 20 minutes 3 times a week - 6 days this week all over 30 minutes!  Sunday the hubby and I walked over 6 hours.  How did I do that you may ask?  We went to the Texas Renaissance Faire in the morning where all you do is walk and then we took the kids trick or treating that night.  I tried to change up the exercise this week too.  Instead of just walking around the neighborhood I played basketball with the hubby and also gave the bike another chance. 

There you have it!  Another week done with 8 more weeks to go.

***Edit***  2 hours after I weighed myself, I jumped on the scale again.  BUT WAIT!  I was attempting to hide the stupid thing and thought "just one more time before next Friday".  It said 316.8.  I've totally confused myself!

These boots were made for walkin!

Today marks another NSV moment!  You see, I have these awesome ankle boots that I love.  Sure they kill my feet, but they make my legs look HOT!  My ankles are more like big fat blobs so the boots would never zip up all the way.  Imagine the whole lying on the bed with a pair of pliers trying to pull the things up as I cuss the entire world.  The cutest boots ever sit on my shoe rack and collect dust until I want a fight.

Today I was in the mood to show those boots whose boss and prepared myself with a pair of pliers and a dust rag.  The angels sang and the heavens looked down upon me as I easily zipped up my boots.  ALL....THE....WAY....UP!  I danced around my bedroom in my most awesome boots.  Then I almost broke my neck as I tripped over the damn dog.  Go figure! 

Here is the picture to prove it! 

I've been tagged by Jeannette

Here's the deal:  I have to answer the 4 questions that Jeannette @ A Hippo With a Headband gave me and then I ask 4 different questions to 4 other people.  I think people will think twice about tagging me in their games after this!

1.  What is your all time favorite food and why? 
Come on!  I love all food and that's why I'm obese.  Honestly, I love Italian food.  Heavy sauces, bread sticks, and pasta....oh my.  I'm foaming at the mouth just thinking about it.

2.  What is your favorite workout or activity and why? 
I hate exercise!  People who really enjoy working out scare me.  So, my favorite activity that burns some calories is sex.  To really burn those calories you have to move!  The more movement the better the sex.  Do I need to explain more? 

3.  If you could live anywhere in the world where would that be and why? 
I don't care where I live as long as I am near my family.  I lived 5 hours away at one point in my life and hated every moment!  My family is all very close and I couldn't imagine not being near them.  I'm such a wuss.

4.  What is your favorite animal and why? 
When I was a little girl I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up.  I love all animals EXCEPT for snakes and reptiles.  Those things give me the willies. 

Let the games begin if you dare choose to accept:
Mrs. D
Lanie Painie
The Ninja
Jayne Doe

1.  If you had a penis for one day, what would you do?
2.  What would your pornstar/stripper name be and why?
3.  If you would never get caught, what illegal activity would you participate in?
4.  If you could change a part of your past, what would it be?

An open letter

Dear Septic Tank Workers,

It was such a pleasure walking by you this morning as you all pointed and laughed.  And if you were curious, I did hear you call me "a fat bitch" even though my iPod was in full force.  I'm not mad at the fat comment or the laughing and pointing, but the bitch comment made me mad.  If I was such a bitch then I would have released the leash of my 60 pound boxer with the command "sic balls".  Who would be laughing then?

Just to let you all know, the three of you are homely looking.  Seriously, I would have to be severely drunk to remotely find you attractive.  And forget about putting your P in my V (which is sad since I'm pretty easy).  I have no doubt that you three are tipping the scales at 300 pounds with those beer guts of yours.  And you call ME fat.  HA!  I don't look like I will give birth at the flick of a wrist.  It took all my strength to pull in my bitchyness and not point and laugh at you three!

I'll give you a plus for having a job, but the reality is you shovel shit for a living!  Your company is now high ranking on my shit list (how appropriate) and you will not have to worry about me calling on your services.  Instead of bringing me down, I've decided that I'm going to use this to fight that much harder.  One day I will turn your heads and you will still be shoveling shit with your homely looking faces. 

That is all.

What a weekend!

Is anyone out there having a candy hangover from last night's festivities?  I will admit that I did eat 2 pieces of candy (which weren't even that good) out of the candy bowl.  In the end it all evens out the hour and a half walk around the neighborhood with the kiddos, right? 

Growing up, my brother and I never went trick or treating with my parents.  When we were old enough to complain about the injustice of the candy situation they took us to the grocery store and let us each pick out a bag of candy.  Maybe that's why it's so important for me to take the boys.  I want them to have that memory of dressing up and us all walking around the neighborhood as a family. 

They had a blast and that's all that matters to me!

Youngest is a ninja, Hubby as a pirate, Oldest is a Zombie



I tried to find a Pink Power Ranger costume.  Really, I did.  Instead I went as mean ole Mom. 

Let the fight between the ninja, pirate, and zombie begin!  Who will win?