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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Pity Party

I don't know what it is this week, but I'm in a funk.  Do you ever feel like you just want to be a "normal" person and not have worry about what you put in your mouth?  Do you ever feel that it's not fair that you have a weight issue?  I've been stressing over labels, fat grams, calories, water intake, weight watchers points, clothes, food at restaurants, cooking dinner for the family, blah blah blah.  I'm in overload and I just don't want to deal with it. 

Yesterday my cousin (you know the size 2 cousin) and I went to Chili's where she ordered fried mozzarella sticks.  She didn't force me to eat them, but kept making comments on how a couple wouldn't hurt.  Finally I just gave in and after the first one I said screw it and had 2 more.  Stupid stupid me.  Sure, her size 2 self doesn't have to worry about fried gooey cheese, but my fat ass has to stress about everything that goes in my pie hole.  I beat myself up for hours after lunch, and even today I feel horrible. 

Thanksgiving is around the corner and I want to simply enjoy it.  I don't want to have to worry about a diet.  I don't want to have to exercise for 50 hours in order to eat some turkey and dressing.  Instead of looking forward to spending time with my family, I'm dreading being around all of the food. 

I just don't want to have to worry and stress about food.  Plain and simple.  The scary thought is will I have to worry about food for the remainder of my life?  Probably.  Will every Thanksgiving (and birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc) bring on these feelings?  Probably.  Will every fried mozzarella stick that touches my mouth bring on emotions of being a loser?  Probably.  That sucks! 

13 comments:

Lauren Morris said...

I have the same fear. Mine is that the family will think, why is she eating so much, she is already so big, she doesn't need any more food. When I am thinking the same thing while I am eating all the good food that I only get once or twice a year. What part of Texas are you in? I am in the Fort Worth area. Keep up the good work. We both weigh about the same, and it is refreshing to hear someone with the same thoughts that I have on a daily basis! Reading your blog is going to make me eat my Lean Cusine and walk on my lunch break instead of going down to Fuzzy's for a shrimp taco.

The Ninja said...

You're right it does suck. Everytime I drive past the HArdee's/Red Burrito I have this overwhelming need to go through and buy an order of the nachos. I don't care how bad they are I just want them. It _has- to get easier at some point, otherwise everyone would be fat.

Ann-Marie said...

NO NO NO these feelings do not have to last forever. At some point these new good habits can become second nature. I know it's hard to believe but one day you will not be thinking about food day and night. I'm not 100% there yet and have some bad days but the types of foods that I crave have changed and the amount I can eat has changed. I can't eat nearly as much as I use to so while occasionally I will stuff myself , stuffed is not nearly as high caloric as it use to be. Hang in there we all have days that we just want to give up but it's the ones who keep going that make it to goal. YOU CAN DO IT

The Fat Mom said...

Lauren, I live in Houston. Good for you that you are going to walk at lunch and eat healthy! You go girl.

Leslie said...

I hear you loud and clear! It does suck to have food issues of the kind that if we aren't careful and conscientious we will continue to keep moving UP the scale. It does get old sometimes, having to pay so damn much attention to food and weight issues. I've been in those funks many times. It will pass, but for this foodie, the need to stay aware and mindful of what goes in the mouth will not pass. Good for you for putting it out here.

Crazy Fat Girl said...

I feel the same anxiety about the impending holiday. I too wish I could just eat whatever I wanted like a "normal" person. Well I am not and I can't. Yes, it sucks.

Feel better soon! We all have those days.

NAN said...

I just tell myself that most everyone has some cross to bear...I actually am quite fortunate- 3 smart and caring children, sibs I like and get along with, and good health plus a house, car and a job I like. Try to think of everything you have to be thankful for and watch your portions (yes, thin people do that too)and have fun with your family. My late husband told me when he was a boy, he and his 2 brothers would eat and eat, go outside and run around the house a few times, come back in and have dessert! He lived in Illinois too so it was COLD.

Jennifer said...

Oh no!!! You ARE in a funk. But dont feel bad because most of us who have struggled with weight have been there 10000000 times. I am down over 65 lbs and while I still have a little ways to go something is different within me. Its hard to explain. And someday I bet something takes over you too! For me, it was health issues that scared me into taking care of myself. I mean, I still want junk food and sometimes I have it. a little bit. But I never sit down like I used to and eat crappy meal after crappy meal. I dieted all the time (unsuccessfully for the most part) for decades. Thigns are different now. I am no longer on a *diet*. This is my life...every day. I choose things because I want to be healthy and I am reminded all the time, that I am a different person than I was just one year ago. And I dont want to go back. The pity parties are few and far between now adays and i bet the same happens for you!!!! Hang in there girl. You are doing great.
Hugs!
JEnnifer
http://wecanlosethepounds.blogspot.com/

Polar's Mom said...

I totally agree. Not only do I worry about food all the time, I obsess about everything I put into my mouth. This is a sucky way to live, but I am hoping that when I get to goal and maintenance, that I can have things working in more of a clockwork fashion. For those of you in Texas, I discovered something pretty cool the other day from Genghis grill. On their website you can build a bowl and it adds up all the nutritional info for you-so as long as you don't go overboard with the servings/sauces, it is totally easy to get a bowl their for under 400 calories. Finding good restaurants with healthy options makes me feel less like a fat mutant in prison.

Polar's Mom
www.polarspage.blogspot.com

jennifer said...

You've just nailed the exact reason why I haven't lost weight before now. It infuriates me to have to count calories! I like to eat whatever I want and not have to stress about every mouthful of food. However, I know that calorie counting is a necessity if I want to lose weight. I was so stubborn that I trained for and completed a half marathon without losing a pound because I refused to count calories!! That was very eye opening to me--I just have to count them. I probably will forever. It sucks, but my hope is that it will be worth it in the end. Good luck and I hope you get out of your funk soon!
Jennifer
www.iamabeginnerrunner.blogspot.com

just a fat girl running said...

You hit the nail on the head. I had a brief meltdown last week with my husband(who can eat ANYTHING and not gain weight). He is great about support, but I hate feeling like I will never EVER be able to just enjoy a meal without worrying about the fat-lash!

fatgirlwearingthin said...

I probably won't get the majority vote here, but as someone who's done it, I can honestly say that for me - in one way it does get easier, but in another it doesn't. Getting the weight off was hard, but keeping it off is just as hard. Yes, I do have many good habits, but my love of food did not disappear along with my weight. Maybe I just need therapy or something, who knows - but when you are of a 'normal' size, it's easier to give in to temptation. And when I slack off for a week, it really does feel good to not have to count, measure, weigh, exercise, drink water, etc...it's like 'ah, I'm FREE'. But it doesn't last because I know that weight will come back on just like that. Now, having said that (and you're probably really depressed by my comment by now and I'm sorry) if I DO decide to go crazy, it is a lot easier to lose 2 pounds than say, 50 or 60. I just always have to stay on top of it. I just try to remember that everyone has some kind of flaw - mine happens to be my love of sugar and bread...the worst two things for a dieter. Just remember you aren't alone - there are strength in numbers here.

Marvelous Mommy said...

Don't stress yourself! Enjoy your Thanksgiving AND Christmas!! Just try not to over eat, cut back on the sweets, and try to exercise a little more that week! It will all work itself out!

I'm a new follower! Feel free to come link up with us at the Weekly Weigh-In meme!
http://marvelousmommyamy.blogspot.com/2010/11/weekly-weigh-in-1118.html

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