I don't know what it is this week, but I'm in a funk. Do you ever feel like you just want to be a "normal" person and not have worry about what you put in your mouth? Do you ever feel that it's not fair that you have a weight issue? I've been stressing over labels, fat grams, calories, water intake, weight watchers points, clothes, food at restaurants, cooking dinner for the family, blah blah blah. I'm in overload and I just don't want to deal with it.
Yesterday my cousin (you know the size 2 cousin) and I went to Chili's where she ordered fried mozzarella sticks. She didn't force me to eat them, but kept making comments on how a couple wouldn't hurt. Finally I just gave in and after the first one I said screw it and had 2 more. Stupid stupid me. Sure, her size 2 self doesn't have to worry about fried gooey cheese, but my fat ass has to stress about everything that goes in my pie hole. I beat myself up for hours after lunch, and even today I feel horrible.
Thanksgiving is around the corner and I want to simply enjoy it. I don't want to have to worry about a diet. I don't want to have to exercise for 50 hours in order to eat some turkey and dressing. Instead of looking forward to spending time with my family, I'm dreading being around all of the food.
I just don't want to have to worry and stress about food. Plain and simple. The scary thought is will I have to worry about food for the remainder of my life? Probably. Will every Thanksgiving (and birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc) bring on these feelings? Probably. Will every fried mozzarella stick that touches my mouth bring on emotions of being a loser? Probably. That sucks!