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Saturday, December 11, 2010

Beyond words

Have you ever wanted to just tell someone in your family (a very close family member) that you wanted absolutely nothing to do with them anymore?  Today I was tempted.  Very tempted!  But of course I thought about how it would effect our family and kept my mouth shut.  I didn't want to say something that I couldn't take back and regret.  I should feel accomplished by that statement, but that's not the case.

How many times do you allow someone to hurt you before you say enough is enough?  How many times do you give in, even though you know you shouldn't?  How many times can you forgive a person for doing the same shit over and over and over again? 

I let this person tell me what a horrible mother I am to my children (and believe it).  I let this person tell me that I'm worthless to society and have nothing to offer (and believe it).  I let this person tell me what a fat, lazy, good for nothing person I am (and believe it).  I let this person degrade me to a point that I can find nothing good about myself anymore. 

Tonight I ate food that would mute all the emotions. 
Tonight I drank until my stomach hurt. 
Tonight the tears have fallen freely. 
Tonight I am beyond words on how much my heart hurts.

12 comments:

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

I am so sorry. I will pray that your heartache gets lifted and that you can find peace. Sending good thoughts your way.

~Margene

NAN said...

I'm so sorry! Unfortunately,there are a lot of toxic people and many are in one's own family. You can physically stay away from them or deflect the hurtful comments. Don't let anyone else spoil your success or tell you that you aren't worthy. Then you are giving them the control. Repeat...I am an awesome person! I am working hard at regaining my health and I am a good mother. I will not let anyone sabotage my efforts. I will not put up with the abuse any longer.

Shane G. said...

ok just a quick question. why do YOU have to be quiet to keep the peace and harmony? this other person has not kept their feelings inside to keep peace and harmony. I say tell it like it is to them, make yourself known. Sometimes clearing the air is the best path to a better relationship. I don't know the specifics of this situation obviously, but I wanted to maybe get you an objective view. sometimes in a situation, you can't see the forest for the trees. hope this helps

Joy said...

Oh, I just want to give you the biggest hug right now. This post made me so sad because it is something I had to go through with my mother. Eventually, I realized that what I have with her is a toxic relationship and was not only NOT beneficial to me but was actually destructive to me in a lot of ways. I haven't spoken with her or seen her in 10 years.

I think sometimes in life, you have to evaluate your relationships and almost make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship if you feel that the relationship is no longer working. If you find that the relationship is not bringing anything positive to your life, then it is time to reevaluate why that person is still in your life. I am not saying you have to immediately give up on them; it might be possible for the both of you to work through it if you bring the problems to light.

With my situation, my mother has a host of very serious mental problems and self-medicates heavily with alcohol so at the age of 16, a couple years after my dad had gotten full custody of me and taken me away from that hell-hole, I told her that I no longer needed her to be a part of my life and I have stuck by that ever since (10 years now).

I really feel for you and I know what you are going through isn't easy. It's hard to imagine not having a relationship with a family member but speaking from experience, it was the best decision I ever made. I hope you find peac with the situation, whatever your choice may be.

FatAngryBlog said...

I am so sorry to hear that!

Honestly, should this situation arise again, if you can keep your cool I would firmly say, "You may not speak to me this way. It's mean, it's hurtful and you are wrong about me. Do not it again."

Then walk away with your head held high because you know that every hurtful word that person said is a LIE!

*HUG*

Shannie (akaSolidice242) said...

I hope you are feeling better today. Do not believe the lies people tell you about who you are and what you do. Your family member is hurting and is trying to make you hurt as well. Misery loves company. You shouldn't be afraid to x toxic people out of your life. Sometimes it is good to be selfish and this is one of those cases. Stay positive though and don't let anyone put you down!

Take care until next time. P.S. I nominated you for a blog award.

Yum Yucky said...

Hi. My first visit here. But I can surely tell you, you are NOT who "this person" makes you out to be. I hope you find your happy place. You deserve it.

Call me Ishmael said...

Gosh, that sounds like such a terrible situation. All I can say is you don't deserve such harsh treatment -- nobody does. Those statements the person said about you are NOT TRUE. I hope you can step back and look at yourself objectively and realize you're a great person who works hard and tries to do right by her family and is raising some beautiful kids, teaching them to be kind and considerate to others. Don't let this other person distort your reality or devalue your true self worth. Good luck!

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. *BIG HUGS* I understand how you feel because I struggle with this every day with my youngest brother. Sending a ton of prayers and hugs your way.

fatgirlwearingthin said...

I am beyond words as to why anyone would even THINK it would be all right to talk to you - or anyone else for that matter - that way. Shane has a point. This person evidently has no regard for 'keeping the peace'. Why should it be your cross to bear?
Sorry; I'm guessing that you can't comment beyond what you've already written for fear that you'll let out too much information; and I realize that we DON'T have all of the information needed to really be able to truly give you any advice. Frustrating nonetheless!! You are clearly a good mother, good wife and one hell of a dieter so if you cannot say anything back to this person then just remember this: anyone who tries to degrade another human being without cause is only doing so because he/she cannot DEAL with their own problems. It's not you....it's not about you. Remember.

Mrs. D said...

I'm so sorry hun, whomever this person is needs to just ESD! You're a beautiful, wonderful mother! Unfortunately, we all have toxic people in out lives, but that doesn't mean we have to give them power over us. I personally remove them from my life as much as I'm able, like my grandmother and uncle. Cutting your kids off from family is difficult, but do you really want them around people like that anyway? I'll be thinking about you and sending happy thoughts!

Jane said...

I'm so sorry that there is someone in your life who has so much cruelty within him or her. I have dealt with a very similar family situation, as well. It's interesting that you are posting about this, because I just posted today about how it has affected my life and my weight--and what I eventually had to do about it. Take care, and know that you are a very worthwhile human being who deserves better.

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