A mini-vacation

This weekend we drove to Dallas for a much needed break.  We stayed with our good friends at their new house and partied until the wee hours of the morning from Friday to Sunday.  I'm still trying to catch up on the sleep I missed.  While we were there I realized several things. 

#1 - If I don't eat 3 meals a day with a couple of snacks, then I go into "eat everything on sight" mode.  Our friends had limited food in their pantry.  They don't snack often and I swear they hardly ever eat (we were lucky to get 2 meals a day).  Their lives aren't revolved around food or when the next meal would be. 

#2 - Freeze dried organic pineapple is really good!  Freeze dried organic apples are not so good!

#3 - I finally found a wine that I like (only one or two glasses).  The fact that it's cheap is only a bonus! 

#4 - I would rather sit at the house and play board games/card games than go to a bar.  I feel uncomfortable and out of place.  I never have fun and I'm constantly concerned about what others might think about me.  I hide in a corner and shy away from everyone.

#5 - I love getting away for a couple of days, but I can never come home fast enough.  I missed the kiddos and getting on my computer whenever I feel like it. 

What would you do?

Have you ever thought about what you would do after you lost weight?  Not just for yourself, but for other people who are struggling too.  How would you motivate others to lose weight and adapt a healthier lifestyle? 

Last year I worked with a personal trainer for 2-3 months.  He was great and I really miss working with him.  He had experience working with obese/overweight individuals and you could tell by the way he interacted with you.  He pushed you, but was sensitive enough not to push you over your limit.  He encouraged you when you thought you couldn't go on any more.  He never yelled and it was easy to feel comfortable with him. 

And that's what I want.  My dream is to be a personal trainer or a class instructor for obese/overweight individuals.  I think it's easier to relate to someone who has been there.  I have two major thoughts about this.  #1:  OMG, I have a long way to go for that to ever happen.  #2:  How awesome would that be?  To be able to motivate others while they accomplish their own personal weight loss goal.  A-MAZING!

So tell me, how would you give back?

My Dad

My Dad is having surgery this morning for a very rare hernia in his abdomen.  It took over a year for a doctor to diagnose the problem.  A year of pain, a year of several emergency room visits, a year of doctors saying it was "just his imagination", a year that his belly has looked like a huge rock was in it.  The doctor who finally diagnosed him said that if Dad would have come in a couple of years ago (with the same problem) that he would send him home because they wouldn't know what to do.  The doctor also said that the surgery will be very painful afterwards. 

Please send good vibes to him today.

Edit:  My Dad was out of surgery around 9 this morning.  He is recovering at home and in alot of pain.  I hope they gave him some good pain meds!  Thank you for all the well wishes!

Kinect - Active 2



Has anyone tried the Active 2 for the Kinect?  After trying it out today, I have mixed feelings.  Compared to the Wii, I love that you don't have to use any controllers.  My main problem though is that it doesn't register when I squat.  I can't get low enough for it to register and ultimately have to skip the exercise.  Any ideas/tricks of the trade?

Lack of judgement

It's Sunday night and I'm sitting here thinking about every single morsel of food that was consumed this weekend.  The food I ate seems pointless now because I'm feeling sluggish, weak, bloated, and just plain horrible!  I may have partied too much while celebrating my 30 pounds down.  I'm swimming in calories, fat, carbs, and just plain grossness.  It's like a went crazy in a very bad way and now I'm huddled in a corner rocking back and forth. 

I'm afraid that I totally ruined my weigh in.  This week I'm going to refocus and buckle down.  Back in the saddle, yet again! 

Party over here

Today I'm celebrating 30.8 pounds gone for good! 

Hate Loss Challenge Update #3

I'm going to admit that this week has been very difficult to say nice things to myself.  I've been having a self described pity party since receiving the rejection letter from the company I interviewed with.  I take rejection very personally and it brings out my very worst attitude.  Immediately, I thought that I wasn't good enough.  Who would want to hire a fat slob like me?  I don't blame said company for not hiring a loser who can't get a job in 3 years.  I am not worth their time or energy. 

Those feelings have been festering since Monday!  It has effected my mood, my interactions with the kids, my patience and understanding, and my relationship with my husband.  I have been harming myself for days with unkind words!  Yesterday I had enough.  I looked in the mirror and said that this rejection was not because of me personally.  I am smart, talented, dedicated, and a damn hard worker.  After saying this over and over I finally truly looked at myself and believed the words that came out of my mouth. 

I still not happy, bubbly, or positive about the job situation but I feel better about myself.  And isn't that what it's all about?

It's amazing what make-up can do! 

P.S. I know everyone is tired of the pity party and talk of jobs.  I will not be mentioning it again.

I feel so tremendously loved!

I'm late on posting these bloggy awards, but that doesn't mean I don't cherish every single one of them.  Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time out to send these awards to me.  I feel so tremendously loved!  So, I'm here to send some shout outs and maybe reveal some things about myself that you didn't already know. 

By the way, I will be sending these awards off for others to enjoy.  If you do not want to participate, it will not hurt my feelings!

 

Twiggy over at Onward and Downward sent the Cherry On Top Award like a billion years ago.  I was going to send her some oatmeal cookies as an apology, but she got an email instead.  I know, that's pretty lame.  There were no instructions on what to do with this award so I did the hokey pokey and turned myself around.  That's what it's all about people!   

Now, I give this award to Christina @ My Last Weight Loss Journey.  She has been struggling lately, and I completely know how she feels.  I hope this sends alittle pick me up!

Jennifer over at One Step At A Time sent me the Honest Scrap Award.  I try to keep things real around here and I'm glad other people can see that. 

 

I send this award off to Leslie @ Something Brilliant is Brewing.  Every single time I read her blog, I come away with something to think about.  She is definitely brilliant!

 

10 honest things about me:

1. I'm so very emotional when it comes to my kids.  I cry at their recitals, the first day of school, the first time they play a new sport, when people say nice things about them, etc.  I'm sure their teachers think I'm wacko for tearing up at parent/teacher conferences. 
2. I hate living in the house we are currently in.  This was my husband and his ex-wife's first house.  They chose this house to raise a family in.  They chose this house to be happy in.  I've changed everything about this house, but it will never be our home. 
3. I want another baby.  Let me rephrase...I want a daughter.  I love my boys, but there is nothing in this world like a mother/daughter relationship.  When I look at my Mom I know that I'm going to miss that bond with my boys. 
4. I call my first husband Fucktard.  Behind his back of course.
5. And speaking of ex's.....My brother's wife was always known as "Rob's first wife".  They are currently going through a divorce because she is a whore.  (And that is probably the nicest thing I can say about her)
6. We have full time custody of Step-Son.  It is the most difficult relationship I have ever had in my life!   
7. I can't wear heels.  I tried to wear heels on my last interview and I threw out my back.  I'm still recovering! 
8. I've always wanted to dance, but weight always held me back.  When I was in high school I tried out for drill team because several of my friends were on the team.  Of course, I didn't get picked.  My parents bought me flowers with two cards, one that said Congrats and the other said Sorry.
9. My biggest dream was to go to Texas ATM.  When my Dad told me I would never get in because I was stupid and lazy, I gave up.  I still regret it. 
10. I can't jump on a trampoline because I pee all over myself.  I would blame it on having children, but even as a child I wouldn't be able to hold it. 

Ellen @ Fat Girl Wearing Thin and The Ninja @ Cooking it Off sent me The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award.  Which kinda sucks because the picture alone makes me hungry!

I give this award to Nan @ Nanny's Journey.  She has been so encouraging and sweet.  Kinda like my very own Nanny.  :)

 

5 sinful indulgences: 

1. I love to read.  The Kindle has to be, by far, the best Christmas present I have ever received.  I don't admit it, but I love teeny-bopper books and paranormal (vampires and such) romance books. 
2. Cheese and sour cream should be in its own nutritional pyramid.  I could eat the stuff by buckets.  
3. Baking or cooking.  My Mom taught me how to cook at a very young age and we have taken candy making and cookie decorating classes together.  Oatmeal cookies or cheesecake are probably my favorite things to bake.  
4. Other blogs.  I love reading other people's life stories.  I know I'm not alone in how I'm feeling or the struggles I face with weight loss. 
5. Reality tv.  'Nuff said!

 Call Me Ishmael @ On the Way to Onederland sent me the Stylish Blogger Award.  I am far from stylish, but I'll take it!  I'm supposed to list 7 things about myself and I think I've gone over and beyond on the above.  Sorry to be a party pooper. 

And finally, I give this to Farrah @ Less is More.  She is one of my newest blogs and I heart her. 

It isn't fair

I have not had a full time job in 3 years.  For 3 years I have gone on countless interviews, I have been to resume writing workshops, I have submitted my resume more than 3,000 times, I have spent HOURS searching ads, I have gone to several work force/temporary agencies for help (currently I'm active with 3 companies), and I have been turned down every single time. 

I have gone on a handful of interviews where I nailed it.  I said all the right things, the position was in my league, the interviewer was responsive, and I had all the qualifications they were looking for.  You always know when you spanked it or totally dropped the ball.  You just know. 

This last interview was one of those times where I did everything perfect!  I was confident when I walked in and I was confident walking out that I would be getting a call back.  Then the dreaded email arrived this morning explaining they "picked someone else for the position and would keep my resume on file". 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  It isn't fair!  I'm tired of trying so damn hard!

Comparison pictures

Wow!  I have a long way to go, but these pictures are a huge motivator.  I'm so happy that I agreed to take pictures of my progress. 



Hate-Loss Challenege: Week 2

It's amazing how positive and powerful words can improve your attitude!  Yesterday I was scheduled for an interview at 1:30 and the butterflies were fluttering rapidly in my tummy.  I was beyond nervous.  As I put on my new (smaller) interview worthy outfit, I thought about the challenge.  I went to the mirror and stared at myself for.....a.....long.....time.  The words would not come out of my mouth.  Finally, I blurted out, "You can do this!  You are amazing!  You are smart!  This company would be stupid if they don't choose me.  Hold your head up.  Be confident.  You can do this!"  The more I looked at myself, the more I said those positive words to that reflection, the more I believed it.  The butterflies began to disperse and the confidence in myself began to grow. 

I walked into that office with my head held high, a smile on my face, and a determination that was so fierce it scared me.  Let me just say, I rocked that interview! 

Another NSV

You know that post about me wanting to buy a new dress for our first anniversary?  Today I went to look for more undies in a smaller size.  You know the 2 new pairs that I bought last week won't last long.  Hubby said I could go comando and he wouldn't mind.  That's a man for ya!

So, I saw this dress on the 60% off rack and when you see deals like that you can't pass it up.  I bought it even though it wasn't in my size.  I thought that I would hang this dress on the closet as a reminder of what I'm working towards.  When I got home I decided to try it on and assess the damage.  This is what I saw.....

(don't look at the socks lol)

A size 22 and it fit!?!  It is alittle tight in the chesticles, but it zipped all the way up!  I've gone from a size 28 to a (tight but zipped) size 22.  It feels more than just amazing!

Trash

Since I was a little girl I've been a closet eater.  I've never admitted it out loud, although I'm sure my family knew.  To the severity that it was I don't think they had a clue.  Growing up we ate fast food several days of the week.  Most of the time my parents and brother threw away portions of uneaten food.  When they weren't looking or when everyone was in bed, I would dig out the food and shove it into my mouth as fast as possible.  I knew at the time it was wrong, but there was this overwhelming urge to do it.  Afterwards I felt disgusting and would want to crawl under my bed.  "What is wrong with me?" would be a constant question in my mind.

I remember feeling so angry when they would clean out their ashtrays on top of that food.  It was overwhelming to know that I wouldn't be able to eat half of a perfectly good hamburger.  I would mourn the loss of that food.  I would still look through the bag to see if the food was in a wrapper and untouched by the ashes.  It was like a treasure when I found food that was edible.  And yes, I did eat it.

And as I write this, I'm in tears.  I freakin' ate trash!  TRASH!  Food that was in a trash bag waiting to be put out on the curb.  I am embarrassed to admit that I was (still am) so addicted to food that I would go through trash and eat it!  I haven't done this in years, so why now are these memories be resurfacing? 

The kids often throw away food from their plates and last night was no exception.  I thought, "Why are they throwing those potatoes away?  They are perfectly fine.  We could save them.  Someone could eat them later.  I could eat them when nobody is looking!"  Thankfully, I didn't scoop anything out of the trash and serve them later (so don't report me to CPS or anything). 

It's amazing that seeing food in the trash could bring on these memories and emotions.  Maybe these are the memories that I have to deal with.  To learn from.  Maybe these memories are holding back my own weight loss.  I have to accept who I was, learn from the past mistakes, and tell myself that I will be better than food.  Especially food that is in the trash!

Honey-Mustard Pork Chops

 

My review:  I am not a pork chop person, so I didn't have high hopes for this meal.  I was pleasantly surprised and it was finger lickin' good!  My kiddos even asked for seconds.  It was super easy to make, had minimal ingredients, and cheap.  That calls for a great dinner!  I will certainly be making these again. 

 

Honey-Mustard Pork Chops

Found in Jan/Feb 2011 Weight Watchers magazine

 

1/4 cup Dijon mustard
4 teaspoons honey
1 tsp apple-cider vinegar or white-wine vinegar
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
4 (5 oz) pork chops

1. To make marinade, whisk mustard, honey, vinegar, and pepper.
2. Transfer marinade to large ziplock bag; add pork.  Chill, turning bag occasionally, at least 4 hours or overnight.
3. Spray broiler rack with nonstick spray.  Preheat broiler.
4. Remove chops from bag; discard marinade.  Place chops on broiler rack and broil 5 inches from heat until browned and cooked through, about 6 minutes per side.

Per serving: (1 pork chop) 165 cal, 5g fat, 9g carb, 0g fiber, 19g protein
WW PointsPlus value = 4

 

***Instead of using a broiler pan, I cooked the pork chops in a skillet with the marinade.  I also used sugar free honey and regular vinegar.***

Limitations for kids

Have you ever noticed that you treat your kids different because YOU have issues with weight?  Let me explain.  My kids hardly ever drink regular soda, we limit snacking, and they have to eat all of their vegatables.  At home they drink water, crystal light, and 1% milk usually with dinner.  If they want a snack it's usually fruit or yogurt.  During dinner time they know they can't leave the table until all the veggies are eaten from their plates.  I'm not overly concerned about the main course if they are full. 

Today we went to eat Mexican food for lunch.  There was a family sitting next to us with a little boy who had several glasses of Dr. Pepper.  The kids know that they can only order diet soda, water, or tea and have one refill throughout a meal.  Now I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone else (like this family mentioned), but it really made me think. 

Am I stunting their childhood by limiting their choices?  Should I just allow them to be kids and let them drink and eat whatever they want?  I'm trying to teach them a healthy lifestyle because I don't want them to be the fat kid, but am I hurting them in the long run?

Challeging myself

We have two major events coming up that have been weighing on my mind lately.  Therefore, I'm challenging myself to reach a certain weight loss goal.  The calendar is marked and I'm determined to succeed.  There is only one winner in this competition and that is ME! 

#1 - Hubby and I will celebrate our first anniversary on Feburary 14th.  He told me the other day that he wants to make it "special" and is planning something huge.  I would like to lose 10 pounds by that time, that's 5 weeks.  I would be at my lowest weight since who knows when AND be under 300 pounds.  My reward is to get a nice dress for our evening. 

#2 - See that lovely couple up there?  That's our best friends who will be tying the knot on April 9th.  They have graciously asked Hubby to be the best man.  I would like to lose 25 pounds before their special day.  That would put me at 284 and a total of 51.4 pounds down!  My reward?  Another dress of course! 

Even though I had a melt down today about the number on the scale I'm going to continue to do the work that I put in this week.  I'm determined that these goals will be met; I will do this!  And the reward to buy two pretty new dresses is such an awesome motivation!!!

Frustrated with weighing in

This morning was weigh in and it ended up with me on the floor crying next to my scale. 

• I've stayed within my daily Weight Watchers Points allotment all week.  I did not use any weekly "cheat" points. 
• I've tracked every single morsel of food.
• For the past 7 days I've been exercising.  Hubby and I have been riding our bikes around the neighborhood.  Around lunch I dance for 20-40 minutes using the Xbox Kinect.
• 6-12 glasses of water every single day. 
• I've been taking Melatoin religiously to help me sleep at night.  It's been a miracle. 
• And because I was curious, I started tracking my calories which range between 1400-1700 daily.

All that work for 0.4 loss?  This week I've been totally committed to staying on track and my result is a 0.4 loss.  So damn frustrating! 

Hate-Loss Challenge - I am beautiful

Let's be honest....I am alittle apprehensive about posting this video. The first time I watched it, I thought it wasn't good enough. That I wasn't good enough! The more I let the words sink in, the more I believe in myself. And isn't this what the Hate-Loss Challenge is about? This is me, The Fat Mom, baring my soul.

The unmentionables

I'm warning you in advance.  The image that is posted toward the bottom of this post is disturbing (and severely embarrassing).  If you are into that sort of thing then you need help then go ahead and look, but don't say that I didn't warn you.

Today I went through my unmentionables and decided that I needed a change.  The fat, bloated, granny panties just aren't doing it for me anymore.  I've put this off as much as I could (just like all my other clothes shopping) because who really likes to shop for big girl underwear? 

Side Note:  I worked for Lane Bryant way back when.  They will take back, no questions asked, USED thongs.  No joke!  So, please wash all underwear before you wear them.  Still gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about that pair of stained thongs.  And I will spare you the description of the smell.

Anyway, I received a gift card to a well known big girl store and was ready to shop.  I have to prepare myself for these types of things you know.  I looked for jeans, shirts, and unmentionables in a smaller size.  Every shirt or pair of pants that I looked at had nothing in my current size.  Ironically, they had the larger size that I'm trying to get rid of.  I ended up purchasing only 2 pairs of undies; that stuff is expensive!

When I get home, I take out my granny panties and compare.  This is what I see. 

I'm speechless and beyond embarrassed.  That's a whole lotta fabric!  But more importantly, that's a whole lotta ass! 

A cupcake

Today we did a mini birthday party for stepson's 7th birthday.  We went bowling, opened presents, and stuck a candle in some cupcakes.  For 2 hours I salivated over those cupcakes on the table.  Should I have one?  Should I not?  I was consumed by the calling of that chocolately goodness.  It's ALL that I could think about.  It shouldn't be a surprise....I ate one.

Instead of feeling like a failure or some big fat loser, I felt ok.  There was no name calling.  There was no disappointment.  There was just peace within myself that I ate a freakin' cupcake.  And then I felt.....shock.   Does that make my weight loss journey pointless because I felt ok about eating a cupcake? 

We brought the last cupcake home for Oldest and Youngest to share.  Everytime I walked into the kitchen I thought about eating it.  I had images of hiding in the corner and shoveling that cupcake into my mouth.  Nobody would know.  I could say that I threw it in the trash if anyone asked.  There was no way my hubby would suspect otherwise.

After dinner was the perfect time to eat it and I wanted it so bad!  More like my life depended on it.  I couldn't go on without eating that cupcake.  It was in my hand and making it's way into my opened mouth.  Before it touched my lips I realized that I couldn't eat it.  I didn't WANT to eat it.  There was no way that I was going to eat it.  I cut it in half and made the kids eat it (like it was intended). 

How can a cupcake cause so much turmoil in a single day?

Re-committed

New Years Eve was spent with some of my closest friends.  We ate too much, drank too much, and partied hard!  There is nothing like ringing in the new year with the ones you love close by.  At midnight, I kissed my beloved and knew that this year would be a year we will never forget.  2010 was a struggle and I am gladly saying good-bye. 

This morning (or should I say afternoon) I woke up with a new outlook on life.  Today is the first day of the new year and I'm re-committing to my effort to lose weight.  I'm looking desperately at the bigger picture.  We have 52 weeks left in this year.  If I work my butt off and lose the recommended 2 pounds a week.....that's 104 pounds lost!  It's totally doable people!

And as much as I'm excited by those numbers, I'm scared.  I'm scared of failure.  I'm scared of change.  104 pounds is another person.  Who will I be?  Will I lose myself or just be a better me? 

Despite these feelings, I'm moving forward.  I have to move forward even if it's one baby step at a time.