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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Trash

Since I was a little girl I've been a closet eater.  I've never admitted it out loud, although I'm sure my family knew.  To the severity that it was I don't think they had a clue.  Growing up we ate fast food several days of the week.  Most of the time my parents and brother threw away portions of uneaten food.  When they weren't looking or when everyone was in bed, I would dig out the food and shove it into my mouth as fast as possible.  I knew at the time it was wrong, but there was this overwhelming urge to do it.  Afterwards I felt disgusting and would want to crawl under my bed.  "What is wrong with me?" would be a constant question in my mind.

I remember feeling so angry when they would clean out their ashtrays on top of that food.  It was overwhelming to know that I wouldn't be able to eat half of a perfectly good hamburger.  I would mourn the loss of that food.  I would still look through the bag to see if the food was in a wrapper and untouched by the ashes.  It was like a treasure when I found food that was edible.  And yes, I did eat it.

And as I write this, I'm in tears.  I freakin' ate trash!  TRASH!  Food that was in a trash bag waiting to be put out on the curb.  I am embarrassed to admit that I was (still am) so addicted to food that I would go through trash and eat it!  I haven't done this in years, so why now are these memories be resurfacing? 

The kids often throw away food from their plates and last night was no exception.  I thought, "Why are they throwing those potatoes away?  They are perfectly fine.  We could save them.  Someone could eat them later.  I could eat them when nobody is looking!"  Thankfully, I didn't scoop anything out of the trash and serve them later (so don't report me to CPS or anything). 

It's amazing that seeing food in the trash could bring on these memories and emotions.  Maybe these are the memories that I have to deal with.  To learn from.  Maybe these memories are holding back my own weight loss.  I have to accept who I was, learn from the past mistakes, and tell myself that I will be better than food.  Especially food that is in the trash!

12 comments:

Baby Weight and Beyond said...

I think it is very brave of you to share that with everyone...hopefully this will help you to overcome some of the negative feelings.

The Ninja said...

I'm sorry that you are sad, and that you are having to deal with these negative memories. But perhaps if you didn't think about it, you would never feel like you had beaten your food addicition. You say you are addicted now, but you are not eating out of the trash, you are making healthy choices. Don't let this bring you down, We all know you are going to be succesful at the end of your wieght loss journey.

NAN said...

You are doing great with your postings and reflections! I have many many times finished up my kid's plates and the little left in a pan so that's not a whole lot different than raiding the trash- you knew if you asked the family for their leftovers,they would make fun of you so the next logical thing was to sneak it! I doubt if you were really hungry for food though- I know as the oldest of 6 I lacked a lot of attention, especially one on one. I got my praise through being a good student and good girl! Yep, I was a real goody goody LOL.

Brigitte said...

I agree that just by posting you are moving forward. We have all done things that we are not proud of when it comes to food. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here cheering each other on. Don't let these negative memories get to you and know that this journey is going to be a success!

~ Darla ~ said...

It's amazing what triggers memories. I think it's good to get it out. I'm sure many, many people do this but may be too afraid to admit it. I was skinny when I was a kid, but when I got older the leftovers would not make it to the trash as I would commandeer them for myself. My big thing was to eat sensibly when I was out with people and then come home and eat again - also not a good thing. It's an addiction for sure, but when we are aware of it I think it becomes easier.

Leslie said...

Thank you for your honesty - that will serve you very well on this journey. Having this memory come back to you was a gift, though it probably doesn't feel like it! It helps you to know yourself better, understand the depth of your food addiction and process it. I'm working on getting honest about my own food addiction right now, and it ain't pretty. But unearthing the memories is vital, because we can't change what we don't remember or know. You're doing great.

Shannie (akaSolidice242) said...

Thanks for sharing your story. I know from personal experience that before I can deal with my issues I have to admit to my problems. So this post is the beginning of your healing! Congrats for being so strong to put this out there! Maybe what you can do to try to avoid this is to only put a little bit of food on the kids plate at a time so there isn't anything to throw away from their plate. Try not to cook more food than you can eat in a sitting (I know some things are easier said than done.) I am sure you will figure out something though...

Ellie said...

I hate HATE wasting food, it makes me sick when my boyfriend doesn't finish half the food on his plate. I feel guilty throwing it away. Sometimes, I will take the plate to the kitchen and pretend to toss it when I really shovel a scoop or two into my face before scraping whats left into the trash.

It is good that you are facing demons from your past and not hiding from them, but you should know that you aren't alone. Perhaps that will help you move on to a better place.

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry you're upset. *HUGS* You did the best thing though by confessing it. Now the next best thing to do is just move forward and don't look back. I'm a closet eater too, so I sympathize with how you're feeling. To this day I still have a horrible time with fast food. While everyone is gone to school and work, I'll drive to town sometimes and buy fast food to eat, and I won't even bring the trash home with me. I find some secluded area with a garbage can and toss it there, so there won't be any evidence in the house when I get home. *sigh* Yes, I totally understand where you're coming from. *HUGS*

fatgirlwearingthin said...

You are gaining such ground by forcing yourself to look at your past; I'm doing the same thing with this self-esteem book I'm reading. So much of who we are has been shaped by how were were influenced as children. I will have to come to terms with my past if I ever want to gain full acceptance of who I am now. Just remember - you've been through hell and back - BACK! You are a stronger person because of the things you went through and I bet you take fewer things for granted because of it. Plus, you are relatable to other people because you are human. Thank you for this brave post
XOXO

Joyce said...

Been there; done that with the trash. I too was the garbage disposal in my family when I was a child and even into adulthood. Somewhere during my years of recovery, someone jokingly (or maybe not) said just put the left-over food down the toilet because that's where it ends up anyway - no need to take the long trip through your body. Well, I didn't do that but I did start using the garbage disposal immediately after the meal. If you have one, use it instead of just putting in thrash. That way it is totally gone. I am so proud of you.

Twiggy said...

What a great post. Hang in there, you are improving every day :)

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