Since I was a little girl I've been a closet eater. I've never admitted it out loud, although I'm sure my family knew. To the severity that it was I don't think they had a clue. Growing up we ate fast food several days of the week. Most of the time my parents and brother threw away portions of uneaten food. When they weren't looking or when everyone was in bed, I would dig out the food and shove it into my mouth as fast as possible. I knew at the time it was wrong, but there was this overwhelming urge to do it. Afterwards I felt disgusting and would want to crawl under my bed. "What is wrong with me?" would be a constant question in my mind.
I remember feeling so angry when they would clean out their ashtrays on top of that food. It was overwhelming to know that I wouldn't be able to eat half of a perfectly good hamburger. I would mourn the loss of that food. I would still look through the bag to see if the food was in a wrapper and untouched by the ashes. It was like a treasure when I found food that was edible. And yes, I did eat it.
And as I write this, I'm in tears. I freakin' ate trash! TRASH! Food that was in a trash bag waiting to be put out on the curb. I am embarrassed to admit that I was (still am) so addicted to food that I would go through trash and eat it! I haven't done this in years, so why now are these memories be resurfacing?
The kids often throw away food from their plates and last night was no exception. I thought, "Why are they throwing those potatoes away? They are perfectly fine. We could save them. Someone could eat them later. I could eat them when nobody is looking!" Thankfully, I didn't scoop anything out of the trash and serve them later (so don't report me to CPS or anything).
It's amazing that seeing food in the trash could bring on these memories and emotions. Maybe these are the memories that I have to deal with. To learn from. Maybe these memories are holding back my own weight loss. I have to accept who I was, learn from the past mistakes, and tell myself that I will be better than food. Especially food that is in the trash!